I caught a few minutes of an episode of "Even Stevens" a few weeks ago, and I can say that I get why studios wanted to give him a shot. He was like 11 and had all of this weird, adult bravado and charisma. But why he's been in 15 movies in the 5 years since The Even Stevens Movie is a mystery to me.
That bizarre, premature adultness that we've seen in everyone from McCauley Caulkin to Dakota Fanning comes with the heavy price of age. And that dark mistress has been no less kind to young Shia, yet Hollywood has somehow put on a mother's blinders, and continues to employ him. You can practically hear these tittering sycophants tripping over each other with clumsy praise: "oh! look at my little Shia! just like a young Harrison Ford! He'll be the next Dustin Hoffman! What a talent! Listen to that husky voice!! He sounds just like a little man! Look at his two eyes, brown hair, and average build! He could play a president!"
Shia, as I like to call him (that's actually not true. I like to call him "shia la-boof," with extra emphasis on the "boof," because it is hilarious to me. Call it childish. I'm comfortable with that), is often compared to the young versions of great actors. He was of course selected by George "the robot who forgot how to love" Lucas and (more so) Steven Spielberg to play Indiana Jones's son in this summer's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and (also by Spielberg) as the human lead in the previous summer's heinous crime against pop culture, Transformers. Spielberg saw in Shia a young Tom Hanks.
Suffice it to say, I don't. I don't see Bachelor Party or Joe Versus the Volcano when I see Shia LaBeouf. At best, I see a young Matthew Modine. I see someone who is for some inexplicable reason continually hired, due to his relative "normalness," or something, while his contemporaries wallow in television and in bit roles in marginally successful comedies. I see someone that I hope with all my might will be out of the national spotlight by the end of this very decade.
Wow, Apparently I really do hate Shia LeBeouf. Maybe I'm just angry because I hate Matthew Modine (also, apparently). I was going to close this entry with Matthew Modine's April appearance on The O'Reilly Factor, but, believe it or not, even YouTube doesn't have everything. So instead, here's this:
I'm going to try to avoid an Andy Rooney-style rant here, but it's going to be tough. 2 things (and to avoid ranting, I'll keep it basic): 1. Postponing the Debate: It's on a Friday night, at 9pm. For 2 hours. Let's even be generous and say that it's 8 hours out of your Friday, with travel & prep included. Congress is not in session on Saturday. John McCain is not going to be burnin' the midnight oil - a one-man congressional wrecking crew - legislatin' an' fillabusterin'. He's going to sit back on his proposal-non-reading ass and prep for a debate which he will assuredly lose. This whole mess is obviously nothing but a ploy on the part of the McCain campaign to make it look like Obama is only interested in frivolity and public posturing. This undermines the value of the debates. In 2000, and (looking at it after the fact, once Kerry threw this opportunity down the toilet) in 2004, yes, maybe there was little value to these engagements, and yes, 3rd party candidates should have been included. But now more than ever, there are major issues at stake that need clarification and firm stances from both sides of a truly divided aisle. True debate is going to be what saves this country from disaster. Any attempt to forestall is an attempt to undermine the American people, and true Democracy.
2. Financial Bailout: $700 BILLLLLLION. That is more than $2000 to each and every man, woman and child in America. Do you have $2000? I do not. I say $2000 to everyone, but I don't know how much that would be to each TAXPAYING American. Let's conservatively (heh.) say it'd be twice that. I, like most people I know, don't own a house, don't play the stock market, have very little in both my checking and savings accounts, don't own my own business, and have what I consider to be a significant amount of personal debt. My life has been entirely unaffected by the 6th worst day in Wall Street history. I could never afford it. Now all of a sudden, it's everyone's problem. This is why we need an Obama White House now more than ever. We need someone who will even the taxable playing field. We need to make sure that those who make more money need to pay more, and this is case in point: We're all being asked to clean up their mess. And guess what? That's what being a democrat means. We are not fundamentally opposed to bigger government and bailouts and that sort of thing; we're opposed to working class Americans bearing the brunt of the failures of an upper class that can't support its own mistakes, because they've lived off the benefits of tax breaks and loopholes that those of us living paycheck to paycheck are not allowed. The same people that are supporting this blindly are the same people that say arts education is wasteful spending; that a national railroad is too much government regulation; that allowing the tax benefits of marriage to all is a choice, at best, left up to each state. We all know people who DO own houses, or are trying to buy a house, or maybe have a great deal of savings in a small bank that may be forced to close and offer them 50 cents on the dollar. We are, or we know people who work in banks, or are executive assistants in financial institutions. So it's foolish and shortsighted to oppose this financial bailout. So the point is simple: Contact your senators and representatives. Demand oversight. Demand an incremental payment plan, not a blank check. Demand salary caps for Wall Street execs. You've only got about 24 hours.
...and psst! If Bush hadn't tried twice to earn "please like me" points with refund and economic stimulus checks, we'd already be half way there. If he had ended this war at "Mission Accomplished," we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
but I'll tell you, I think it's weird that a product with such rad content, and costing $31.00 with shipping, in a time when we're on the brink of economic collapse, does not appear to have any direct/official relationship to the Obama campaign. It doesn't look that way from the pretty janky site, and at this point, I'd rather just donate $31 to the campaign or to MoveOn.org's voter registration drive and then forward them emails showing how awesome 2008-2016 will be if we can just get Barack elected. Anyway, if anyone has further info on the validity/origin of these bracelets, please post!
So, there's a larger statement in the works, here, but I think Facebook is silly. I recently found out that I couldn't join a group called "I sang 'Message in a Bottle' with Ms. Nimetz in middle school," because I was already a member.
I seriously don't remember joining this, but I'm sure I did. Clearly I wanted to.
Anyway, you can go there and read my comment, for which I felt it necessary to create this image:
...so sign this petition, unless you want to be the poor asshole who's forced to track the Taco Zone truck (currently stationed faithfully outside the Vons in Echo Park at the Alvarado entrance, every night, until 3am or so, and featuring the best tacos in Los Angeles, and quite possibly the world) like the dog you are.
So nobody sent me the memo that Haruki Murakami is the most popular writer in the world amongst hip twentysomethings. At this point, not having read him is like still having a cathode-ray television. Apparently, you get kicked off of Goodreads if you haven't read at least 2 of his books, and faked a review of one or more of his short story collections that you never quite finished, by Feb 17, 2009.
He's older than my Dad, and I didn't know. Proving once again that the Internet is smarter than college. How am I supposed to be a twentysomething now?
Anyway, I guess I could "read more," or something, but that's kind of neither here nor there. because it's back in my brain!!!!!! oh, cuteoverload.com, when do you STOP?!
Here it is, duddlepups! DJ BARRY SAGITARIUS is going to fuck you up with mindfarts. Or music. Sweet, sweet beautiful music. Come at 8:30, stay for the whole damned thing. It's Thirsty Thursday, for Heaven's sakes!! and look at those drink specials. Anyway, I owe you all a mix tape from last summer, so this will have to suffice. Also, it's 18+, even though the bar is as full as me on a carnitas run, so bring your age-inappropriate, formerly secretive lovers and sig-o's! see y'alls on Thurs.
No, it's not just rampant machismo over at the LA County Court House today. In case you're stopping by for your bi-monthly dose of music news and information, it looks as though jurors in the Phil Spector trial cannot reach a verdict! They are looking to reduce the charge to manslaughter and retry him. Maybe they'll just wait until he tries to rip off the PCC Flea Market before he actually goes to prison.
Okay, I know I promised consistency and integrity with the NEW Married... But it appears that Blogger.com has not been showing my new posts. Anyway, here's what I had planned for you for July 18th:
So recently, my jorb brought me to the Warped Tour for the first time in, oh, 8 years, and so I decided I needed to get in the mood. Sadly, that meant no Andrew Bird, no Mungo Jerry, no Porter Wagoner, no ELO, no Will Oldham, or any other music I now in my old age think it's nice or fun or funny to listen to whilst drinking wine with my adult friends. However, I also knew that did not mean 90% of the bands actually playing this year's warped tour. No, no! It meant dating myself significantly, therefore making me age even MORE prematurely, doin' some old man dance, and shouting in gibberish to the urchins and whippersnappers at my feet, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GOOD MUSIC IS! In MY day, we listened to the Bouncing Soooulls!! and they played EVERY Warped Tour - as FAAAAR as the eye could see! And without eye make-up!"
So yes. I listened to the first 3 Bouncing Souls records, and drove home with Rocket From the Crypt and Get Up Kids. But the focus here shall remain on the Souls - my once "all-time favorite" band; the band who sang a song I immediately dubbed "the saddest song ever written;" the band I quoted in my senior yearbook in high school (something that still rings true 7+ years later, and a sentiment Oscar Wednesday will most likely take issue with ('cept the "pizza" part): "You may think we're weather martyrs, but snow and ice make us rock harder. Punkers should be pale and pasty. The pizza here is fierce and tasty. East Coast!" I had to omit the "fuck you!" what followed. Lousy public schools... think they're so tough...).
Anyway, this got the ol' brain banana smoldering. I got to thinking about all the rad songs, and bands and mixtapes, and... yes. Yes, you kibitzing turdburglar. I am proposing a CONTEST!
okay. Well, it's not a contest, persay.
I'm going to (re)make a summer mixtape from the days of my youth. I'm asking that you, unfaithful, fickle readers, do the same. As I receive submissions, I will publish the tracklists, and we can begin open war upon them. a few rules, stipulations, regulations, and dingleberries: 1. If you request a copy of the mix, I'll gladly send you one (name your format, and I'll do my best). 2. If you are making your own, keep it to one 90 min cassette, max, so it can also hopefully, fit on a CD (so I guess the rule is keep it to 84 min?), for those who no longer own magnetic tape reading machines. 3. Keep the mix to when you were roughly 13-15. This is sexually important to me the integrity of the contest-type thing. 4. IMPORTANT: Don't try to be cooler than you were. The point is not to make a mix of music that (in my case) was released by 1997, it is to make the most likely awesome, potentially embarassing mix that you would've left in a girl's mailbox (sounds so much creepier as an adult, doesn't it?), or given to your nerdy friend. I didn't listen to David Bowie or the Cure's deep cuts until I was like 17. That doesn't mean you didn't, but it's doubtful you had all those Television bootlegs, or early Mountain Goats cassettes when they came out, unless you are really awesome or really old, or had a really awesome/old older sibling. 5. Still have copies of old mixtapes? Post the tracklistings as comments, and make for a musical scavenger hunt!
That is all! 5 simple rules for dating my teenage daughter. go forth! You'll have my mixtape sometime in early August, most likely. And it's going to be sweetsville.
So I know this Blerg was supposed to be exclusively about Music, and that any number of additional blogs could be set up to discuss any number of additional subjects, but there is one simple and overriding fact, that reigns in great supremacy over all other facts, both fictional and otherwise: This is my blog, and I can do what I want. So without further ado, I'd like to draw your attention to this BBC News "Tech Lab" article, that was pointed in my direction by one of the greatest living authors, alive or dead, Warren Ellis. It is part of an ongoing BBC series (which is one of many that would never, EVER, EEEEEEEEVER be embraced by the American mainstream media. so say what you will about the evils and potential hobgoblins of state-run media, but also fuck you, because you're wrong. again. with gusto, this time.), where various experts in science and technology talk about what they think the future holds for us, written by Scottish science fiction author Charles Stross: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/6287126.stm
Okay, just let me know when you've finished perusing said article. It's okay if you skip over the mathy bits. No one likes math. not even nerds.
Basically, what he's saying, is that the future of human technology is going to look incredibly like this:
And while it won't necessarily be the ghost of Marlon Brando giving our descendents advice, long after the earth's yellow sun has super-nova'd, it may be any number of other characters whom you may very well read about this very blog. MARRIED WITH BLOGREN: THE BLOG OF TOMORROW!!
There once was a bando by the name of Uncle Tupelo. The pronunciation of the latter half of said moniker is oft debated (I say "tuppelo," you say "toopelo," etc.), but never so much as the great case of Wilco v. Son Volt (TN, 1999.): The leavings of your stinky ol' Uncle.
That, of course, is not true. No one really debates that, except maybe on the 3rd day of Bonnaroo. Both bands are quite good, and most music fans get that. It just depends which direction you want to take, and really, most hippies are fans of both. And you know what? Come to think of it, this isn't a very good analogy for the point I'm bound to make by the end of this post.
Consider Syd Barrett... you know the rest of that old yarn, but I'll give you a second to mull it over. Get all your li'lduckies in a row, etc.
Now flash forward to the Y.o.o.L. 2006. Syd Barrett is still alive, and 2 lads from the Pacific Northwest put out what will be the best album of the year, and one of the best of the now-waning decade:
(lads in question: Band of Horses - Ben, left; Matt, right; misc. pup, center)
But a few months later, Syd is dead as doodoo, and one half of our beloved couplet (R) decides to leave to pursue a number of endeavors. Benjamin continues under the "Band of Horses" moniker, and is doin' a great job. The band is still totally sweet, and there's finally permanent line-up of players. Their live show makes you wish you had a diaper in your PJ's; the record is still flawless.
Now, lettuce flash forward to today, and the analogy you've been holding onto in your frontal lobe so lovingly. Our "Syd Barrett" in this situation: Matthew Brooke, formerly of Band of Horses (our "Pink Floyd"), is (firstly) alive. Secondly, he was a major contributor to the formation of Band of Horses, and the construction of their debut album (which, in case you didn't know, is awesome). He left the band, and has since, oh so recently, started a new band of his own design (but - thirdly - on the same record label of the band he left), entitled GRAND ARCHIVES.
They are fucking sweet (especially for fans of the BoH jams "Funeral" and "Great Salt Lake"). That's all I wanted to tell you. You can buy a CD-R of the 4 songs (the ones on MySpace) on Sub Pop's website.
and to the point where we separate from the above analogy: I hope that Matt stays sane and happy and releases more than 2 albums, and I hope Band of Horses continues to make awesome music, without getting too silly and wanky by the 1980's.